This is Why Girls Suck At Gaming

Girls generally suck at games compared to guys as a whole.  It’s a bizarre phenomena that has mystified men throughout history.  Here is why…

Low Interest and Superiority Complex

In general, girls don’t have the level of passion that men have towards gaming.

Their passion is collectively focused on shopping, gossiping and talking on the phone for long hours while approaching their purchased mobile usage minutes and nonchalantly passing them as though limits were for the weak and poor.

There’s an air of superiority when it comes to their attitude towards gaming, like playing games is beneath them. Let’s just, for the moment, ignore the fact that girls play games with our emotions, with our wallets, and above all… our sanity.

From a certain perspective, video games really ARE beneath them.  When they play reality games with a nonchalant attitude, be damned the real consequence, their manipulations become as simple as collecting gold coins while jumping on mushrooms.

In many ways, guys, they are far more elite than us as gamers. When they complete a game, there is a wake of destruction the like of which has not been seen in the digital world.

On the same note, they’ll play a video game where you ride pink unicorns that fart love while vanquishing their “frenemies” with butterfly kisses, cupcakes, and gossip on the Wii.

Don’t try to understand this shit, just don’t. This is beyond the domain of the rational.

They Are Social Creatures

The most social of games is still not social enough for a girl. Girls take social interaction to new levels of individuality destroying depths, especially with us guys.

If it was up to them, there would be a game where everyone would sit in a room and talk about soap operas, their feelings, and the latest Jersey Shore episode. This is the type of shit that makes us guys smash our heads against the wall until the blissful release of unconsciousness relieves us of our suffering.

Girls like to talk… and talk… and talk… to everyone. If you’re coming back from a quest in your favorite MMO, all you want to do is sell your loot, re-evaluate your armor and weaponry, and maybe buy some new gear.  A girl wants to talk. She wants to talk to you while you’re trying to figure out the best combination of buffs and armor to survive the next dungeon crawl. She’ll talk when you’re ready to head out, and then she’ll talk while you’re swinging your sword, then she’ll talk while you’re scrambling for a healing potion and a silence spell.

She won’t stfu. The moment you suggest that she should, that is the moment when it’s game over, man… you lose.

She can’t handle not talking… not being social. Solitude drives them insane and there’s really not a lot of sanity to play around with in the first place.

There isn’t a game that exists, with enough social interaction to satisfy a girl… so they get bored… they get bored FAST.

There’s nothing more annoying than a bored girl while you’re trying to level up.

Attention Deficit

Did I mention they get bored easily? Girls have absolutely no patience. I’ve never heard of a girl playing any game in the Thief franchise… or Splinter Cell. Any game that involves waiting as a gameplay element is completely an anti-girl game.

If they have to wait for something, they start talking.  Talking about random irrelevant shit, anything to fill the blissful silence with content… and they don’t stop.

A girl can only handle casual games… games where you can start and stop at will without investing any predetermined amount of time.

Browser based games are ALL games designed for girls. Every last one of them is built on the assumption that the girl who’s going to play this can’t spend any time waiting for anything.

In fact, the whole monetization of browser-based games capitalizes on their lack of patience by letting them pay real money for the ability to NOT wait for her virtual cake to bake. Your money.  She’s going to spend your money so she doesn’t have to wait for her virtual crops to grow… and you’re going to let her.

She will always be spending your money so she doesn’t have to wait, whether it’s a game or reality… just accept this absurdity of life, man.

Violence and Competition is Kryptonite

Girls are biologically wired to avoid violence and competition. They can’t handle it physically, emotionally, or digitally.

They are wired for nurturing babies and commiserating with other girls about their guy’s gaming habits. Any game that has no competition or violence is a game made for girls by definition.

When was the last time a girl kicked your ass in Counter Strike? Never, because this shit doesn’t happen. It’s possible you got taken out by a player with a girl’s name, but that was a fat dude in his mom’s basement who plays female avatar’s to stare at their ass for hours on end.

The only thing women compete for is attention. If they don’t get your attention, then you’ll get a crap load of violence from them… and that’s the only time.

Reasonable Game Designers Ignore Girls

42% of gamers are women and 5% of game developers/designers are women. That’s an important statistic because you’ll realize that 95% of games are designed for men. The 5% of the games designed for women are non-violent browser-based games with pink ponies eating happy grass in your digital farm shitting digital fertilizer to grow more digital crops.

Real games are not designed and brought to market with girls as their target demographic. Which means, that girls don’t play games as much as men because the selection is so thin.

It’s a viscous circle, that will continue until the day that girls, collectively, decide to stfu and start funneling their energy into fragging aliens for half a day straight while eating nothing but pizza and consuming Mountain Dew until you piss blood.

This will happen… never.

Complaining About Difficulty

It’s not that girls can’t stop talking long enough to find gamer passion. It’s not that they can’t focus long enough to complete a quest and feel that satisfaction of grabbing a rare loot drop. Ultimately it’s the fact that girls can’t stop complaining about EVERYTHING.

Girls are incapable of being in the moment and just enjoying a game without complaining about every god damned aspect of it that is challenging.

Let’s forget the fact that a game is all about challenges and overcoming those challenging with creativity. Girls just want the game to play itself, while they watch and talk to their girlfriends about how bored they are and then complaining that gaming sucks.

Conclusion

Girls suck at games because they don’t like competition or violence, and they can’t shut up long enough to find gamer passion that only comes when you relax and enjoy every frag and every loot drop.

Caveat

As with all generalizations, there are always exceptions.  Quite frankly, real gamer girls are the awesomest girls around.

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